Pipe Smoker’s Laws

Posted this on r/pipetobacco recently, if any of you haven’t seen it. Quite humorous!

  1. If the purpose of your gathering is, in part or in whole, the use and consumption of tobacco, any tobacco product or accessory on the table may be used by anyone in attendance. A smoker who uses another’s tobacco need not ask permission but must offer some commentary on the blend. Pipes are excluded from general use but may be fondled and ogled at any time, again with commentary.
  2. Anyone given a standing offer to help himself or herself to a friend’s tobacco need never ask for permission. However, it is still necessary to acknowledge the taking of said tobacco. A simple “I stole a cigar” shall suffice.
  3. Matches and lighters should be shared without hesitation, but a smoker should only hold the lighter while lighting for a member of the opposite sex.
  4. It is permissable to share pipes but not encouraged. Those sharing should be family or closer.
  5. Corncob pipes are still pipes, unless they are from China.
  6. When showing off a new pipe, it is permissible to comment on its uniqueness, its craftsmanship, or the ridiculously low price paid for it. It is not acceptable to show off a new pipe to brag about how much you spent or how impressive a pipe you can afford. The exception occurs if said pipe purchase cause your divorce. Then anything goes.
  7. Although it is not acceptable to brag about how much you spent on a pipe, if you feel you must, you may only tell others the price you told your wife/significant other you paid for it.
  8. It is only acceptable to encourage Pipe Acquisition Disorder (PAD) and Tobacco Acquisition Disorder (TAD). Such compulsive purchases may never be discouraged. The exception comes if the purchase includes a pipe or rare tobacco you plan to purchase yourself. Should you decide not to purchase the item(s) for yourself, you are obligated to make the purchase for the person you discouraged from buying.
  9. Pipes, cigars and cigarettes may be used as pointers to enhance a discussion or monologue, or in physical expression of general pontification. They may never be used as swords. Pretending they are lightsabers may result in expulsion from the social group or place of business.
  10. Smokers should make a good faith effort to use tobacco away from non-smokers, but as soon as someone pretends to cough, the smoker is allowed to pretend to ignore the cougher. This is doubly true if the tobacco is unlit, in which case, the smoker may blow pretend smoke in the cougher’s face.
  11. Any pipe or cigar smoker living within 50 miles of a locally owned tobacconist specializing in his or her tobacco of choice must patronize the business at least four times per year. Within 10 miles, it shall be monthly at a minimum.
  12. Any smoker insisting others use any high-end product, be it pipe or cigar or tobacco or accessory, should supply it. Anyone not willing to buy his friends a Dunhill needs to keep quiet about them.
  13. When it comes to tobacco-fueled social gatherings, if it is not a lie, it’s not worth telling.
  14. You can make fun of someone who is sending you free tobacco, but you shouldn’t if you want that to continue.
  15. Among the group, the person who smokes a pipe, wears glasses and has a beard is, by default, the smartest and most reliable person in the room. If more than one person fits this description, seniority will be determined by the highest percentage of naturally bald scalp.
  16. While amongst fellow smokers, should an ember jumps out of your bowl and onto your favorite shirt, proper etiquette is to brush it away quickly, not jump up and do the hokey pokey dance while bumping in to the tin, the pipe racks and everyone else.
  17. You can smoke a pipe, yet not be a pipe smoker. You must to elicit the accompanying and misleading sense of wisdom to be accepted as such.
  18. A smoker should not be overly concerned when the smoking of a stout, nicotine-heavy blend causes the room to spin. For many smokers, that is the total extent of their exercise.
  19. If inhale the aroma of another’s tobacco so deeply that some becomes lodged in the nose, discretely remove the burley cube from your nostril hair before returning to the general conversation.
  20. While discussing a pipe you wish to buy, other smokers involved in the conversation must wait 3 minutes before purchasing said item for themselves. Showing more then one picture of the pipe removes the waiting period and absolves any smoker who cannot help himself.
  21. Proper etiquette dictates that, when at a friends house, you should either refrain from smoking or ask permission before lighting up. However, when in your own home, proper etiquette can stay outside with the non-smokers.
  22. To smoke dottle, or not to smoke dottle, that is your option.
  23. Size and technique don’t matter. Attitude does.
  24. Politics and religion may only be discussed so long as you can still share tobacco.
  25. Smoking a cigar around pipe smokers and vice versa is encouraged, but anyone who lights a cigarette when higher quality tobaccos are readily available invites the mocking of his or her peers.

This list was created by the combined efforts of The Ozark Pipe Smokers of Rogers, Ark., and the members of Pipe Chat. It may be reproduced with proper attribution and cited as needed.

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~ by Kyle on January 13, 2012.

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